Katrina Updates

My Katrina updates can be found at the New Orleans Metroblog

This strikes me as a bit hyperbolic...I hope

NWS outlines grim forecast of devastion expected across area

The National Weather Service has issued a special statement outlining the damage that might be caused if Hurricane Katrina makes landfall as a strong Category 4 or Category 5 storm.

“Most of the area will be uninhabitable for weeks, perhaps longer,” says the statement. “At least one-half of well-constructed homes will have roof and wall failure. All gabled roofs will fail, leaving those homes severely damaged or destroyed.

The statement says the majority of industrial buildings will become “non-functional,” with partial or complete wall and roof failure.

“All wood-framed low-rising apartments will sustain major damage, including some wall and roof failure,” the statement said. “Concrete block low-rise apartments will sustain major damage, including some wall and roof failure.”

The statement says high-rise office and apartment buildings will sway dangerously, “a few to the point of total collapse.” And all their windows will blow out.

Airborne debris will be widespread, and may include heavy items — household appliances and light cars and trucks —and even sport utility vehicles and trucks will be moved.

“The blown debris will create additional destruction,” the statement said. “Persons, pets and livestock exposed to the winds will face certain death if struck.”

Power outages will last for weeks because most power poles will be down and transformers will be destroyed. Most trees will be snapped or uprooted and even the heartiest, if they survive, will be stripped of all leaves.

As Ron White has pointed out so succinctly, it's not THAT the wind is blowing, it's WHAT the wind is blowing.

Sonofa II...

New Orleans is under a Misery Warning until further notice:


Experts predict unprecedented Category 5 Misery Levels. At this point, I don't really expect to see my childhood home again.

Sonofa...

That is one big bitch of a hurricane. My parents got out with no problems yesterday and made it to Columbus with minimal delays. Other friends also headed up this way and got out later yesterday evening without too much trouble. One grandmother is supposed to be heading to Houston this morning, but didn't beat the mandatory evacuation call for New Orleans, so I'm sure they'll be completely miserable on the road this afternoon. My parents are very doom and gloom about the whole affair, much more so than with Ivan, which was never really predicted to strike the city directly. This one though seems to have settled into its final or near-final track.

There's absolutely a chance that both houses and the camp in Lafitte won't be there when they go back. If the storm surge tops the levee system, it might be weeks before they can go home, anyway. Guess we'll see what happens, nothing we can do about it.

One quick note: President Bush, you are truly an asshole. Do not continue to use this as an opportunity to put your stupid ape-face in front of a camera. You want to help, help us fund coastal restoration efforts properly instead of behaving like the lying two-faced asshole you are, saying one thing to our faces and undermining us at every opportunity in Washington with the other.

Not that it might matter after tomorrow. If this thing comes in with 170mph+ winds there might not be a lot of coastal wetlands left in Southeast Louisiana.

Soon it will return...

In Heavy Rotation

A quick rundown of the most played songs on my iPod this week.

1. Washin' and Wonderin' by Stroke 9


2. Almost by Bowling for Soup


3. They Can't Take That Away From Me by Lisa Stansfield


4. Dream by Baby Teeth


5. Babe I'm Gonna Leave You by Led Zeppelin


6. Burning Bridges by Jason Mraz


7. Who's Beating My Time by Charles Brown


8. Jerk It Out by Ceasars


9. Easy by Cowboy Mouth


10. How Many Licks by Lil' Kim
    

Karaoke Joe is poised for a comeback

Looks like I'll get a shot Thursday nights at the new bar opening downtown. Considering how successful the last show was and the fact that the new place will have a full liquor license, I'm hoping to be able to build up a nice big crowd fairly quickly.

I'll have to make some additions to my books, specifically something describing my rotation rules. I'm the most organized host I've seen locally, and my show is nearly all karaoke. We've done some movieoke in the past, too, but that's kind of a mixed bag, and the new venue is a basement bar with a VERY low ceiling. Not sure they'll be a way to easily use the projector for movieoke or even for use as a display for lyrics for the crowd to use. We'll have to see.

I still plan on running a really tight show, with as little time as possible between songs. That's really my biggest complaint with the other local shows: too much inaction and/or dance music in between singers. While I might squeeze 50 songs into a four hour show, other hosts are lucky to manage 35.

I think I'm going to get lucky and not have to worry about a PA, either. Looks like there's going to be a house-system that's karaoke capable in place, which will make setup and tear-down that much easier.

I'm stoked. It's been four months since I've been able to host, and I miss being able to throw a party every week.

Conjunction Junction

Every once in a while, I seem to meet someone that pushes all the right buttons. That puts me in a state of comfortable excitement that I'm always wary of. There's no one thing that draws me in. It's kind of like stained glass: no one piece is very remarkable in and of itself. But after seeing the whole, the pieces themselves become more interesting.

I Have Confidence in Me

Apparently, though, that's what the Saints are lacking. Not talent. Not front office smarts. Not two-ply ass-friendly toilet paper in the locker room. Confidence. Thank you, Gov. Blanco, for clearing that up for me. Here I thought losing had something to do with the Saints, but now I see that it's actually not their fault.

Slide to the left, slide to the right, cha-cha real smooth

Baton Rouge has a thriving water park. Gulfport just got one. Is New Orleans lost on the Lazy River without a paddle? Seems to be. I can understand how these guys might be frustrated. The problem with halting development like this is our historic inability to accurately predict success. So while it might seem to make sense to protect Six Flags, it really only increases the risk inherent in limiting diversity. It doesn't make sense to grow a family-friendly environment by limiting the options of family-friendly entrepreneurs.

Surprise! Saints Season Ticket Sales Slump

Oops. No playoffs for four years. One trip in the last 12. A recalcitrant owner intent on installing his granddaughter as the heir apparent. Not that there's anything wrong with that. But accumulating the capital necessary to buy an NFL team, or any major business enterprise is not the same thing as acquiring the skills necessary to run it well. And by well, I don't mean profitably, because, as a proud graduate of the NFL School of Extortion, he seems to have managed that. Perhaps Tubercular Tom may finally be forced to swallow some bitter medicine.

Florida: Plasti Nation

The inner 10-year old girl of the Attorney General of Florida decided that we shouldn't see the yucky parts of ourselves and issued a ruling that puts approval of a museum exhibition of plastinated human bodies.

"BODIES: The Exhibition" features 20 cadavers and 260 other parts preserved with a process that replaces human tissue with silicone rubber. Skin is removed, exposing muscles, bones, organs, tendons, blood vessels and brains.

The board that oversees the use of human specimens at Florida's medical schools wants proof that the deceased or their families authorized the use of the bodies.

The bodies were obtained legally but belonged to Chinese people who died unidentified or unclaimed by family members and were preserved at the Dalian Medical University of Plastination Laboratories in China, according to the exhibition's medical director, Roy Glover.

Have no doubt...the right of government to micromanage your life is sacred in Florida. If it was life that was actually sacred, Cuban and Haitian refugees traveling here by car wouldn't be intercepted by the Coast Guard and turned away. They'd be dropped off at the Florida Welcome Center, fed a warm meal, put in touch with any relatives they might have, handed a booklet in Spanish that explained what minimum wage was, and allowed to stay. Instead, they have to face being shark-bait again.

Five Hundred Twenty-Five Thousand Six Hundred Minutes

So tonight it's been a year. Well, a year and day, but it was Friday, so I count tonight as a year.

SHANE BALLARD Died Aug. 13, 2004

Indie filmmaker Shane Ballard apparently committed suicide at age 23. The Mississippi actor/director died of carbon monoxide poisoning. He had stuffed a pillow under his bedroom door and started two charcoal burners. As there was no suicide note found, the coroner reached his verdict based on the mechanics of Mr. Ballard’s death. Mr. Ballard was the subject of director Ron Tibbett’s documentary "Citizen Shane." The film chronicled Ballard’s run for the office of Sheriff of Lowndes County in Mississippi. Ballard ran as a pro-porn Republican. Tibbett’s film also featured three songs by serial killer Charles Manson. Mr. Ballard was a friend of Manson. The two often spoke on the phone. Ballard’s friend and mentor Ron Tibbett was killed in a car crash on June 7th (see the June Hollywood Obituary column for more info on Mr. Tibbett). Mr. Ballard acted in the indie shorts "Cookie Jar" and "Terror Toons 2: The Sick and Silly Show." He co-directed with ‘Allen Smithee’ the 3 minute short "Here Comes Santa Claus."

What, did you think people wouldn't miss you, you stupid fat fucker? How could we not miss you? I'll give you this: you managed to accomplish a bit before you decided to barbecue indoors. You had a sensitive side that didn't often show through your veneer. Although, to be fair, it wasn't really a veneer. I'm not sure that you ever really "acted" a minute of your short life.

Anyway, you've missed a lot. Brittney Spears is pregnant with the spawn of trailer trash. The coffee shop is no more. People lost weight, people are getting married. People are living. It's a shame you aren't.

Much love to you, brother.

It Apparently Means Something in Danish

Slutspurt, that is. Exactly what, I don't know. And don't need to know, really. I doubt that whatever it means is more interesting than just taking it literally.